


Lost in the World

by DBSJ_lines



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-04-02 14:29:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4063399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DBSJ_lines/pseuds/DBSJ_lines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Changmin's been missing for over four years. Most people have given up, but Yunho and Kyuhyun still cling to the belief that he is out there somewhere. When Yunho travels across the world on a business trip, he must confront his past in order to secure his future and set everything right once and for all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Flaws of Finality

Yunho laid a single red carnation, a pack of ramen, a piece of pizza, some uncooked spaghetti, and a pearl red pen light in front of a simply framed picture of Changmin. It was of a candid, bare-faced Changmin smiling at someone off in the distance, outside of the view of the camera. He looked genuinely happy and unstressed, which was, of course, how Yunho liked him best, despite those moments being somewhat limited.

There were a few muffled sobs from around the room, but Yunho’s weren’t among them. Yunho was profoundly sad, had been for years, but there was nothing particularly different about this day from any other day in the past four years. Changmin was no more dead and no less missing than he had been for the last four years, one week, and three days, and so Yunho could not understand why they were holding a memorial service in the first place.

The Shim family had understandably wanted closure, and with so little evidence of where Changmin had gone and virtually no signs of him since he’d gone missing, most people in Changmin’s life had given up. One day, in a fit of rage, Changmin had stormed out of their dorm in Japan and never returned. Yunho would never, ever be able to forgive himself for having fought with Changmin during their last encounter, and he couldn’t help but blame himself for Changmin’s disappearance. Perhaps if he had been a little more flexible and understanding that fateful day, Changmin would still be by his side.

As he wandered around the room, his eyes glazed over as he saw various professional photographs of Changmin throughout the years. After all, Changmin was one of the most photographed celebrities in the entire world, and nobody at the service was going to forget it. He saw his own face staring back at him among them along with three other boys that appeared occasionally. Yunho expected they would be arriving soon as well, and he wasn’t sure if he could handle such an encounter at the moment. Though nobody ever explicitly said it, Yunho knew that others couldn’t help but at least partially blame Yunho for Changmin’s disappearance as well, and while he didn’t know how Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Junsu felt about that matter, he wasn’t particularly eager to find out.

However, Yunho did not believe that Changmin was dead, and so he still had hope. It was what kept him going, what had kept him alive over the past couple of years. And so he did not understand why he was at a memorial service where he was expected to pretend like Changmin was dead when there was no proof either way. Presuming Changmin dead would practically be a death sentence for Yunho, so Yunho would wait however long it took for Changmin to reappear.

“I know this must be hard for you.” Yunho felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around slowly, and the first person he saw was Kyuhyun some ways across the room, holding a battered laptop and what looked like a Playstation controller while looking at the memorial table with dead eyes. Yunho had spoken to him recently and knew, at least, that Kyuhyun felt similarly about the memorial service. Changmin’s disappearance had taken its toll on Kyuhyun nearly as hard as it had on Yunho, and so the two had come to confide in each other a lot.

Yunho continued turning until he was face to face with Mrs. Shim, her hand resting on his shoulder. “I miss him so much,” Yunho started, “I just can’t imagine why he hasn’t come back or shown up anywhere.” Yunho shrugged the hand off his shoulder, and something flashed behind Mrs. Shim’s eyes.

“Yunho,” said Mrs. Shim sternly, her voice steadily rising, “Changmin isn’t going to show up anywhere. I know it’s hard, believe me, I _know_. He was my only son, but we’ve been through this. He’s gone, as in not in this world anymore. We have to move on. He would want us to move on! Do you think he’d want to see you like this?!”

It was too much. Something snapped, and Yunho couldn’t stand to be in the room even one second longer. He couldn’t bear Changmin’s face glaring at him from every corner of the room, and even worse, was his own face that seemed to spew accusations at him from behind glossy, lifeless eyes.

Yunho turned on his heel and marched towards the door, locking eyes briefly with Kyuhyun as he passed. He’d heard and seen enough. As he bolted from the building and into the pouring rain, he briefly brushed shoulders with a shocked looking Jaejoong. Though he could hear Jaejoong’s calls in the distance, he kept running until finally, he fell to his knees. His hands shook violently and tears sprang from his eyes. It was too much. Why didn’t they understand? He was out there. Changmin was out there. He had to be.

\--

Yunho didn’t leave his apartment for six days. Aside from a few packages of ramen, he hadn’t really eaten anything either. He had also ignored the string of texts from family and friends attempting to comfort him and coax him out.

_“Hey, I heard about what happened. Do you need anything? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again until you get it through your thick skull. This is NOT your fault. We’re all here for you.”_ ~BoA

_“Hey, man. We really miss you at the company and are really worried about you. Are you at least eating? Let me know if I can do anything for you.”_ ~Leeteuk

_“Heeeeey Yunho. Come out whenever you’re ready. We love you!! <3” _~Donghae

_“Hi hyung. I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I miss you, and I’m worried about you. We all are. Hope to dance with you soon! You’re the best!”_ ~Taemin

_“So I heard you’ve cloistered yourself in your apartment forever, huh? Yunho, please come out. We can get through this together. Everyone knows how much you care for Changmin, but you’re not alone in this. You don’t have to be. Always keep the faith, remember? You can even get a matching tattoo if you want. Hey, that’s not a bad idea. I’d love to see you if you’re willing to see me. Maybe I can help? But I understand… either way. Let me know what I can do!”_ ~Jaejoong

_“Leeteuk yelled at me for three days until I came out of my room. I feel better rejoining the world, and I know you would too. But you don’t have a leader to scream at you, so I will. YUNHO, PLEASE. WE CAN CRY OVER RED WINE UNTIL WE FORGET THE WHOLE STUPID MEMORIAL SERVICE. Honestly, I’ve tried, and so far it isn’t working, but maybe if I try with a partner…”_ ~Kyuhyun

_“Hyung, we love you. Just know that.”_ ~Minho

_“Yunho, we’re all here for you.”_ ~Junsu

_“Seriously, Yunho. Don’t forget you’re not alone.”_ ~Yoochun

_“Please come home, Yunho. I can’t bear the thought of you alone up there. Are you eating? Are you sleeping? Come back, at least, until we get through this rough patch. Don’t forget your family. We love you and will always support you.”_ ~Mom

_“Hyung, I really miss you. I miss your advice and your stories and your encouragement. You’re still Yunho, the great and powerful, and we need you to come back. And seriously, if you ever need_ anything _do NOT hesitate to ask. Never forget, you’re the reason I’m even here. And I know that doesn’t only apply to me. You’re important and amazing and never forget that.”_ ~Xiumin

_“Yunho, I swear to god I will tear down your front door if I have to and drag you out of there. I know this sucks, and I know how you feel about the whole memorial thing, but I refuse to let you beat yourself up over this, alright? Seriously, I’m giving you one more day until I burn the place to the ground. Hopefully you escape first ;-)”_ ~Heechul

_“We love you and miss you. Please come back.”_ ~Victoria

Finally, on day seven, Yunho received a text from Kim Young Min that caught his attention.

“ _Yunho, your integration into the corporate side of SM has been very successful over the past few years, and I’d like to entrust you with new responsibilities moving forward. I think you can move this company in a better, more prosperous direction. I’ll expect you in my office at 10AM tomorrow morning to discuss a new assignment for you. I trust you can carry this out better than anyone I know, so bring your A game.”_ ~ Kim Young Min

After reading the text, Yunho threw his phone to the side. _Fine_ , he thought dejectedly, _you win_. He’d be there at 10AM tomorrow. Working was the only thing that kept him sane these days anyway, and he was pretty sure the muscles in his legs were atrophying from disuse. Time to face the word.

 

\--

 

“I need you to go to New York and meet with our prospective counsel for our capital raising initiative next week. While we need the best and brightest in the business, we also need people we can trust and genuinely like. Nobody is better at assessing character than you, and so I’m trusting you with this. If you like what you see, I’ll meet you there a few days later,” Kim Young Min finished while handing Yunho a packet of information on the initiative and a plane ticket.

“Counsel? So like, big shot lawyers, I assume? I don’t know, I don’t really have any experience with law,” Yunho responded slowly.

“Oh nonsense!” exclaimed Young Min while clapping Yunho on the back. “You’ll do great! It’s really only about whether we like them or not. We already know they’ll do a good job. And it will be fun! The Big Apple! The city that never sleeps! Meet some lawyers and have a good time. That’s all I’m asking. They even have a few Korean speakers on the team!”

Yunho sighed. The last time he had been in NYC was with Changmin and the rest of SMTown for their performance in Madison Square Garden. It seemed like ages ago, and Yunho remembered feeling lost amid the loud sounds of the city and the whirlwind of English intermixed with languages from every corner of the globe. His English was better now, though, and he didn’t want to let his boss down. Having fun was unlikely and also decidedly optional.

“Fine,” said Yunho after awhile, “I’ll do it. I’m doing it for the company. If this is really that important, and you feel I’m the best man for the job, how can I say no?”

“Perfect!” Young Min exclaimed. “I knew I could count on you! Your flight leaves tomorrow afternoon. I’ll send one of the SM drivers to pick you up at your apartment at 2PM. No pressure, Yunho, seriously. This is about impressions, and I know you won’t let me down. You never have before.”

Yunho exited the office and was leafing through the packet of information when Kyuhyun grabbed his arm in the hallway and pulled him to the side.

“Hey! You’re out! Great. We’re going out for soju tonight. My treat. I just need to talk to someone who isn’t going to look at me like my beloved Puppy just died or my favorite laptop gave out or—you get the point. No arguing, we’re going. Okay, hyung, see you later!”  Kyuhyun scurried away without letting Yunho get a word in edgewise. Though Yunho was a little annoyed by his brusqueness, he couldn’t help but smile to himself. Kyuhyun always reminded him of Changmin. They really did have almost everything in common, and he always felt better after chatting with him for awhile.

 

\--

 

Kyuhyun grabbed Yunho’s arm and dragged him over to a discreet table in the corner of the room and quickly ordered two sojus. Kyuhyun had been genuinely worried about Yunho during his absence. He knew what kind of thoughts Changmin’s disappearance had triggered in him, so he could only imagine that Yunho’s were just as bad or worse. He had considered appearing at Yunho’s apartment and pounding on the door until Yunho answered or kicking it down if he didn’t. Heechul certainly would have supported that course of action.

Kyuhyun knew how Yunho felt, poignantly so. Kyuhyun had missed six months of work after Changmin had gone missing before enlisting in the army prematurely so that he could clear his head. Nobody had really understood how he’d felt except for Yunho. Changmin was his best friend, bar none. Changmin had been the one to finally accept him into the company when he joined in 2006 after months of being ignored by almost everyone. Changmin had understood the pitfalls of fame and the toll it could take, having experienced it almost in exactly the same way as Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun had helped Changmin back onto his feet in 2010, and they had been inseparable ever since. They were so alike. Their experiences were so alike. Their interests were aligned, and with Changmin, Kyuhyun felt he could handle anything this crazy lifestyle threw at him. They were going to travel the world together and experience everything this life had to offer.

He would have followed Changmin to the ends of the Earth, which is exactly where Kyuhyun supposed Changmin had gone. He hoped Changmin was safe and happy. Many times, Changmin had pondered what a normal life would be like and had joked about jumping on a plane to anywhere and starting over where nobody knew his name. Kyuhyun had gone along with it, but it was all just talk, wasn’t it? They both said a lot of things they didn’t mean. It was just therapy, right? If it wasn’t, Kyuhyun was only angry that Changmin hadn’t asked him to go with him. He didn’t know if he would have, but the option would have been nice at least. Now, he was left behind to suffer here. Now, he didn’t know what he wanted.

“So,” said Kyuhyun, forcing himself out of his reverie, “you’re going to New York tomorrow?” Yunho just looked around the room. “That should be—well, different at least?”

Yunho eventually laughed. “Yeah, Kim Young Min insisted it had to be me. I know he’s just trying to get me out, and to his credit, it did work, didn’t it? But it might also be an opportunity to get more involved with corporate since I guess that’s where my career is heading.”

Kyuhyun looked at Yunho, who appeared to be looking anywhere but at Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun knew that Yunho missed singing and dancing but hadn’t done so for four years, two weeks, and three days now. Yunho was a performer at heart, but he also possessed impressive business acumen. Yunho and Changmin were both geniuses that could genuinely do whatever they set their minds to, and Kyuhyun had always been a little in awe of them both. He sighed internally as he poured Yunho and himself glasses of soju.

“To surviving,” Kyuhyun said somberly while holding his glass in the air. Yunho merely looked at him as he mimicked the gesture and finished his glass in one large gulp.

A couple of bottles of soju later, Kyuhyun was peering at Yunho blurrily. “I—that memorial thing was just the worst,” Kyuhyun spit out.  “I wanted to flip that whole memorial table and bang my head on the wall. I don’t exaggerate. Why have a memorial service for someone who is still alive, I mean, what? Have they—have they given up?” Kyuhyun could feel tears forming behind his eyes but fought them back.

“That’s exactly what they’ve done, Kyuhyun,” replied Yunho tiredly. He stared at his glass, swirling the bit of soju around before continuing, “nobody wants to wait with us anymore, it seems. It’s a hard reality to accept, and well, I haven’t. I’ll alienate myself if I have to. This is about self preservation at this point. I can’t force myself to believe something I genuinely do not.”

“And I realize that this is about self preservation for them too,” Kyuhyun interjected, “but at the expense of Changmin? I can’t stomach it, hyung. I miss him, and I’ll wait for him. Thanks—thanks for at least sticking with me. Don’t shut me out, okay? I think you’re the only one that really gets it. Siwon tries, but in the end, I think he sides with the rest of them. It hurts.”

Yunho nodded. “Sorry,” he said quietly followed by a few minutes of silence.

A few drinks later, they were laughing and chatting happily again. Yunho was sincerely glad he had let Kyuhyun drag him out. He easily understood why Kyuhyun and Changmin had been so close, even if he had ignored Kyuhyun a little bit in the past.

Finally, Yunho turned to Kyuhyun and said, “listen, I’ve been hungover on planes before, and it is not fun. I can’t imagine a flight to the other side of the world would be a good time in that condition, you know? I need to head out of here.”

“Sure thing, hyung,” said Kyuhyun laughing. “Hey, don’t forget to drink lots of water when you get home. Maybe eat something, you know? I’ll call you a taxi.”

“Okay, mom, or should I say, Leeteuk.”

“Hey, I resent that!”

 

\--

 

A tall, slender man with doe eyes and curly dark brown hair sat in an ornate boardroom, absently rolling a pen through his delicate fingers as opposing counsel drawled on about some point or other at the front of the room. As he jerked himself to attention as a particularly important point was made that he knew his partner would question later, he quickly began scrawling notes on his notepad again. He leaned back in his leather chair and glanced out the 45th floor window of the boardroom and out into the New York City skyline. After three long years of law school and months of fetching coffee and making copies, he was finally important enough to attend drafting sessions. It had been a bumpy road since he had found himself stranded and alone in the city with little to no recollection of how he had gotten there or even who he was and an English ability that left much to be desired, but things were finally starting to look up. He smiled to himself, eyes going mismatched, as one of his assistants hurriedly poured him a fresh cup of coffee and mouthed whether he needed anything else. After shaking his head, he got back to work, happy about his new status and series of decisions that had led him to this point. Finally, he was back on his feet. Finally, Changmin was beginning to feel at home.


	2. Broken Memories

Changmin pushed open the door to his Midtown West apartment at 9:30PM and collapsed onto his couch after grabbing a beer from the fridge. His apartment was small but chic with shiny black leather couches, dark marble countertops, and hardwood floors, reflecting his status as an associate at one of the most prestigious firms in the city.  All things considered, it had been a relatively early night home from work, as he’d often have to work through all hours of the morning as a young first-year associate.

He switched on the television and flipped mindlessly through the channels while simultaneously scrolling through his Facebook feed. More law school friends getting married, lots of complaining about long work hours, and the occasional baby photo or two. _These kids didn’t wait long_ , Changmin thought as he cracked open his beer and began to check his personal email. He personally couldn’t imagine getting married and having kids at this point in his life. He might hold a well-paying job and keep his apartment meticulously clean, but he couldn’t help but feel that his life was a shambling mess that he should avoid bringing innocent third parties into at all costs. He might be physically well, but his mind was in constant turmoil—not that it was surprising given his mysterious past. Considering that he had simply woken up in the middle of Newark with nothing but a name and a series of hazy memories that didn’t make any sense, Changmin figured he was doing pretty well. His mind was sharp, and he was quick to adapt. And for some reason, doors just seemed to open for him despite his obvious limitations. It was a bit eerie, really. He couldn’t fathom how he’d been accepted into law school without undergraduate transcripts or even a birth certificate, but the issues always seems to resolve themselves before they became actual hindrances.

The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with him. He’d collapsed into the nearest clinic he could find and tried to explain with barely conversational English and through tears what he remembered, which was nearly nothing. When endless tests for head injuries, drug abuse, strokes, and mental disorders had turned up nothing tangible, the doctors decided they had no choice but to assign him a therapist and discharge him. From there, he’d made up a convincing enough back story to keep inquiring minds at bay and attempted to move on with his life.  Changmin didn’t like thinking about it too much. It made him feel weak, which was one of the reasons he’d decided to attend law school. He’d wanted to enter a profession that created at least the illusion of order and power. That and he felt that it connected him to something—or someone—in his forgotten past.

Through myriad junk emails, emails concerning meet-ups for young professionals, social media notifications, and alumni donation solicitations, he finally spotted an email from his therapist.

_Changmin,_

_I’m not sure these random episodes of déjà vu, as you call them, are necessarily good or something you should pay attention to. Your brain might just be clinging onto whatever piece of vaguely familiar information it can find, but I don’t think worrying about them too much will help you ultimately. If it becomes too much of a distraction, I can prescribe you something that will make them stop. Your lack of memories certainly triggers all kinds of anxiety, so they may just be related to that._

_Do keep me updated._

_Best,_

_Dr. Coleman_

Changmin wasn’t sure he followed the logic. It always seemed like Dr. Coleman was trying to throw quick fixes at him to keep him happy without much concern about whether he’d regain his memories or not. He felt he needed to keep Dr. Coleman around, though, since a man running through New York City with no real past, no family, and no guidance didn’t seem like such a good idea.

Plus, if he was completely honest with himself, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to regain his memories. He could have been anyone before his reawakening, as he called it, _anyone_ : a criminal, an outcast, homeless, abandoned. These seemed somewhat likely since nobody had come looking for him. Then again, he could have come from virtually anywhere. Of course, he was fluent in Korean and Japanese, so that suggested a few things. Though he could have very well just been another immigrant like the countless others making their lives around the city, Changmin had long since decided that when he was feeling more stable, he would visit Korea and Japan and poke around to see if he could find anything. Now just didn’t seem like the time.

And he was happy with his life in New York. He’d worked extremely hard to get to where he was, and he had everything he needed. His job was demanding but stimulating. He had a solid group of coworkers that he could usually call friends. He had a classy apartment and wardrobe, and he liked living in New York City. What could his previous life have to offer that this one couldn’t? Surely, it would just complicate things.

Changmin’s phone buzzed. A message from one of his buddies at work.

_“Hey, seems like a bunch of us got out early tonight! What do you think? Time for some mid-week stress relief? Bunch of us are meeting up in Soho tonight in an hour. Get out here or we’re going to shove you in your locker tomorrow at work, ya gunner. Apparently there’s life outside of work and home. I know, shocking.”_ ~ Cameron

Changmin sighed and wandered over to the mirror on the wall to examine his reflection. He was still in his suit, hair slightly rumpled but no less intimidating looking. He’d go, but he was keeping the suit. It inspired the right amount of fear and respect that Changmin liked to instill in people. It kept people at arm’s length, which was exactly where he wanted them.

 

\--

 

50 minutes later, Changmin arrived at an unabashedly hipster bar in the middle of Soho. The furniture was draped with intricately designed gold and red tapestries, the floor was a rustic hardwood, and the whole place smelled inexplicably of crushed pine needles. As the plaid-wearing bartender handed him his beer in a mason jar, Changmin couldn’t help but wonder if he ever accidentally dipped his absurdly large beard into the beverages before he served them. Changmin shuffled back amidst the crowd to find his friends, who had overtaken one of the corners of the bar. The bar was generally cozy, and the group easily fell into friendly banter about work and girls.

“I can’t believe the hours Project Fuchsia has me pulling lately. I swear, I didn’t know what I was doing when I signed up for this.”

“I know. I don’t remember the last time I had enough time to cook an actual meal for myself. It’s just depressing, you know?”

“Tell me about it. My laundry pile is about to touch the ceiling if I don’t get a long enough break to at least do one load.”

“I swear, I’m losing years of my life for this.”

“Yeah, but you all secretly love it,” Changmin finally butted in. Everything they had said was absolutely true, but Changmin loved the thrill and the pressure of it all. The work was interesting, the clients were exciting, and though he definitely didn’t get as much sleep as he wanted, he somehow knew he was made for this kind of lifestyle. The others had to feel the same, otherwise they wouldn’t still be here.

“Yeah, well, maybe, but I didn’t sign away the rights to complain about it sometimes.” The group laughed.

As the night dragged on, Changmin finally noticed that people seemed to be filtering into some kind of hidden back room behind the bar. Curiosity overtaking him, Changmin silently got up from his group and followed the crowd.

The bar wasn’t as small as he had thought. The back was a large warehouse looking room that housed a sizable stage and plenty of standing room. At the moment, the room was about half full, and a single guitarist sat on the stage, strumming a melody Changmin had never heard before. As he began to sing, the crowd sang along with him, a few of them swaying multicolored glow sticks to the beat of the song.

Changmin couldn’t ever remember having been at a concert, but as he watched the scene unfold in front of him, his head began to spin and an intense déjà vu feeling came over him, as before. Changmin clutched his head. He had definitely not had enough drinks for this. As he fell onto his knees, he fought back the urge to scream. Why was this happening? Why couldn’t he just have one normal night?

A pair of arms looped around his waist and pulled him back to his feet. Changmin swayed, but the owner of the arms held him steady. When Changmin looked behind him, he found Cameron looking at him with an alarmed expression on his face.

“Dude, you are so drunk. Why did you just leave? Come on,” Cameron sighed as he dragged Changmin back into the front room.

“I’m not drunk, I swear. I’m just not feeling well,” Changmin replied, voice wavering.

“Sure, sure. Look, we’ve all been there. It’s been a stressful week. I get it. Let’s just get you home, alright?” Cameron was gathering Changmin’s belongings and ushering him towards the door. Despite his protests, Changmin let himself be led to the curb, and watched irate as Cameron hailed a taxi. When one finally pulled up, Cameron opened the door and shoved Changmin inside while hurriedly reciting Changmin’s address to the driver. “He’s a little drunk,” Changmin heard him say, “but he shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”

As the taxi sped away, Changmin leaned his head onto the window, hoping the cool of the glass would calm his thoughts. What the hell had that been about? He couldn’t just be losing his composure in front of coworkers like that, not if he valued his job and his reputation, but what could he do?

He’d just have to learn the triggers as they appeared and avoid them at all costs. It was the only way.

 

\--

 

 “Pretzels, peanuts, or cookies?” the flight attendant asked cheerfully as Yunho pulled out one of his earbuds in response. “And what would you like to drink with that?”

“Pretzels and just water, please,” Yunho responded. Trips across the Pacific always made him bloated. They were just so relentlessly long and cramped, and for the first time, he was alone. Since he was going exclusively on business to a country where he was unlikely to be recognized, he didn’t have a manager or a bodyguard with him. And of course, no group or labelmates either.

Yunho stared out the window as he thought about how much his life had changed in recent years. He was smart so he had adapted, of course, but this wasn’t his dream. His dream was to be a performer. His heart ached as he thought about the promises he and Changmin had made to Cassiopeia to continue performing through their 20th, 30th, and even 40th anniversaries. They hadn’t even made it to their 15th. This was all wrong.

A single tear slid down Yunho’s cheek as he mercifully drifted to sleep, lulled by the murmur of the engines.


	3. Finding the Present

An extremely long flight and train ride later, Yunho stepped out of the yellow cab and blinked up at the skyscrapers towering above him. He’d been all over the world, but New York’s sublime grittiness never failed to impress him. Somewhere in the behemoth in front of him he would be meeting with SM’s prospective counsel and engaging in his first non-entertainment related job for the company. Yunho couldn’t help but feel a trill of fear as he pushed through the revolving door and stepped into the ornate marble lobby.

\--

“So, Mr. Jung, how much capital is your company looking to raise?”

Yunho shifted in his seat and quickly looked up from his notes. He'd been ushered into an austere looking room with a long marble table in the middle upon arrival and offered an array of beverages and snacks. After his prospective counsel filed in, the first 20 minutes or so of the meeting had consisted of a few partners introducing themselves and talking about the merits of the firm. Now discussion had moved on to him, and though he tried very hard not to show it, he was extremely nervous.

“We were hoping you might be able to advise us as to what might be obtainable given our options,” started Yunho slowly. His English was good these days, but he wasn’t quite as adept as a native speaker. The lawyers around the room pretended not to notice, but he saw one of them whisper something to his assistant before she hurriedly left the room. _Great_ , thought Yunho, _they’re never going to want to work with me now_.

“We aren’t keen on an IPO, so we were thinking maybe a private placement or debt might be better options,” Yunho stated with more confidence. He tried to look the lawyers in the eyes, but he was having a hard time not staring at the impressive view out the window. The lawyers started murmuring amongst themselves and comparing notes while Yunho clasped his sweaty hands together and tried to wait patiently.

Just as he was thinking that the corporate world was clearly not for him and he was probably meant only to interact with people on stage, the partner’s assistant made her way back into the room with another lawyer in tow. Yunho couldn’t see much of the new lawyer’s face, but his posture suggested he was much younger than the others in the room. He was tall and slim with long legs and dark, slightly curly hair.

Yunho found himself staring, and when the new lawyer finally looked up, his brain jammed and tears immediately sprang to his eyes. _It can’t be!_ Yunho thought frantically. Time seemed to stop as everything came to a screeching halt in his mind. That face! He was dangerously close to having a breakdown in the middle of the conference room. There was no mistaking it. Standing merely feet away from him was Yunho’s former partner of over ten years, his best friend and confidant, the man that knew Yunho better than any other person in the world and shared his fears and dreams. The man in front him was none other than the man whose memorial service he had just attended: the thought-to-be-dead Shim Changmin. He couldn’t breathe.

“Ah Changmin, thanks for coming,” Yunho heard distantly over the roaring in his ears. “Mr. Jung, this is one of the associates that will be assisting with your deal. He is fluent in Korean, so we thought he might be able to make communicating a bit easier.” The voice was so far away; Yunho could barely hear it. The edges of his vision were going black and his hands were shaking violently. Changmin was looking straight at him with polite concern and confusion lacing his round eyes but not a hint of recognition.

“Mr. Jung,” said the voice a little louder, “are you feeling alright?” When Yunho didn’t respond, the partner sighed and walked over to him. Yunho was now staring at the table blankly. “You must be tired. The flight from Korea is brutal. How about I have Changmin escort you to one of our waiting rooms? We have refreshments and couches, and you two can chat in Korean if it’s more comfortable.” Changmin glared at the partner, but moved towards Yunho and helped him to his feet.

“Come on, Mr. Jung,” Changmin said quietly in Korean, “let’s get you something to drink, alright? I understand these meetings can be a little intense.” Over the haze of his panic, Yunho could hear Changmin using the tone he reserved for situations he’d really rather avoid but was obligated to. Yunho was thrown back to an interview several years ago where they had been asked for the millionth time about their ideal girlfriend. Changmin had used that voice. That had been the last time Yunho had heard that voice. This didn’t make any sense. What the hell was happening? Why was Changmin here posing as a lawyer and looking at him like he was some sort of deranged stranger? This wasn’t right. This couldn’t be real!

Once they were out in the hallway, Yunho’s world went dark. He slumped against Changmin’s shoulder and slid to the ground.

 

\--

 

Changmin pushed his hair out of his eyes. He needed a haircut. No, he needed sanity in his life. Why did this stuff always happen to him? He had been happy to be put on this deal. His multilingualism was finally going to come in handy, and the rest of the firm would see that he was really something special. The partners would give him more work and responsibility because he would be better able to understand the client. This was supposed to be Changmin’s big break.

He glanced over at the unconscious form of his client. One of the medical staff had put a cold towel on his forehead and was busy trying to make sure her patient was comfortable. Changmin had accompanied Mr. Jung to the first aid center of the building, at the insistence of the partners, in case Mr. Jung woke up and wanted to speak Korean. It was important that prospective clients felt well cared for by the firm, so they said.

It was ridiculous, really. Changmin was a lawyer, not a babysitter. He knew lawyering sometimes required a little client hand-holding, but this was too much. The firm was being unreasonable sending him here. He leaned his head back against the concrete wall and stared down at his Blackberry, waiting for a message to come telling him he could go back upstairs. Mr. Jung probably wouldn’t want to see him right when he woke up anyway. How embarrassing to faint like that in the middle of a business meeting.

No message. Shocker.

Changmin scrolled to messenger.

 _“This week on ‘I can’t believe I went to law school for this,’ I’m babysitting an unconscious client. Can you believe it?”_ ~ Changmin

 _“Dude, what? At least you’re not holed up writing another memo on obscure civil procedure motions? What the hell happened?”_ ~ Cameron

 _“I don’t even know. I walked into the client meeting and this guy was sweating through his suit and shaking like the damn world was ending. Super embarrassing, really. Passed out a few seconds later, and I got the honor of escorting him to first aid since we share the sacred bond of the Korean language. We better land this freaking deal.”_ ~ Changmin

 _“You’re doing god’s work, my man. Best of luck. Want to hear all about this over a drink later. You’re paying.”_ ~ Cameron

Changmin sighed and put his Blackberry down. They really weren’t the most empathetic bunch. He supposed that’s why they had all become lawyers in the first place. Which brought him back to the situation at hand—

The nurse had said Mr. Jung was fine. Apparently he was under severe stress, and his body just gave out. He needed a bit of rest, but when he woke up, everything was going to be fine.

Changmin really didn’t understand why he had to sit around for this. He didn’t even know the guy! What difference did it make to this Jung guy if he woke up surrounded by one more stranger? He obviously wasn’t going to be signing any contracts today, so as far as Changmin was concerned, his work here was done.

Changmin made to move but stopped when he heard a quiet voice coming from the cot. Mr. Jung was awake.

“I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t quite catch that. What did you say?” Changmin said as politely as he could.

“Changminnie—it’s me. Yunho. What’s going on? Why are you here?” Changmin felt his heart quicken and his head start to spin. Thank god he had doubled his medicine this morning. Now was not the time. And what was with that nickname?

“Mr. Jung, I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’m here just in case you need anything. We want you to be comfortable, and—“ Changmin squeaked as his client’s hand clasped around his wrist. His head spun harder. Great, he was going to pass out too. He needed to get out of here.

“If you’ll please just excuse me for a moment, I’ll be right back,” Changmin said quickly and sped from the room, rudeness be damned. He raced out of the building until he found himself dodging pedestrians on the street. He just needed some fresh air and to maybe sit down for a moment. Everything was fine. He was fine!

Changmin was far too agitated to notice a pair of eyes from a nearby café staring at him intently and taking notes.

_~subject is showing signs of relapse~_

 

\--

 

Yunho burst into tears. What was going on? That was definitely Changmin, but it couldn’t be. ‘Shim Changmin,’ the partner had said. He couldn’t even chalk it up to some weird doppleganger situation.

 Nothing made sense. He had dreamt of meeting with Changmin ever since he disappeared, but what was he supposed to make of this meeting? Could Changmin have really forgotten him—forgotten everything? He felt like he was going crazy.

Yunho frantically felt his pocket and let out a sigh of relief when he felt his phone. He needed to ground himself. He wasn’t crazy.

“Kyuhyun?” Yunho choked out, “Kyuhyun, I—I don’t even know how to say this. I think I found Changmin.” Yunho was shaking again.

“What the hell did you just say to me? Hyung, it’s 2AM, you better not be joking around.”

“Would I joke about that? It’s him. It has to be. I saw the birthmark under his chin and everything. His name is Shim Changmin, but he doesn’t recognize me.” Yunho was sobbing so hard now he was surprised Kyuhyun could understand him at all. “I feel like I’m crazy. I don’t know what to do! Changmin certainly seems to think I’m crazy. I think I scared the hell out of him just now.”

“You’re—serious? Hyung, you better be serious." Silence over the line.

“I’m coming.”


	4. Sinister Meetings

Kyuhyun had always known Yunho to be a reasonable man. In fact, Kyuhyun had previously thought Yunho was too reasonable—too down to earth to be any fun at all. They’d spent the majority of the time they’d known each other as friendly acquaintances at best, with Kyuhyun preferring Changmin’s company and Yunho tending to hang out with his non-celebrity friends. It wasn’t until Changmin disappeared that they bonded. Kyuhyun finally realized that Yunho wasn’t as boring as he thought, and the two found comfort in each other.

So when Yunho called Kyuhyun claiming to have found Changmin suited up on the other side of the world with no apparent recollection of his former life, Kyuhyun had no choice but to believe him. Yunho wasn’t one for practical jokes and surely not concerning something as serious as this. Almost immediately, Kyuhyun had grabbed his phone, called his manager and patiently explained that he needed a few days off all whilst frantically throwing together a suitcase and driving to the airport where he got on the next flight to New York.

 

\--

 

Meanwhile, Yunho found himself alone in his hotel room with a hot cup of tea and firm instructions to get some rest. It was impossible, though. Changmin had bolted clutching his head after Yunho touched him. What on earth had that been about? Everything was so unbelievable that Yunho was having a hard time stringing coherent thoughts together at all. Changmin, and it definitely was Changmin as Yunho kept having to remind himself, seemed in pain when he ran. Could it have been due to Yunho’s touch? Had being so close to Yunho triggered a memory of some sort? Did he have some kind of brain damage that caused pain when forgotten memories resurfaced? None of it made much sense.

Yunho scrolled through his phone, hoping for a message from Kyuhyun, but there wasn’t one, hopefully because Kyuhyun was on his way already. Yunho was torn. Should he leave Changmin alone for a few days and wait for Kyuhyun to arrive and help him hatch a plan? Or should he attempt to contact Changmin as soon as possible? He could attempt to explain or even maybe just make small talk. The thought of not going after Changmin immediately was stomach churning. What if he disappeared again? But Yunho was also aware that he might scare Changmin off if he dove in without a well thought out plan, and that would make matters much more difficult.  

“Damn it,” shouted Yunho to his empty hotel room, “this is Changmin!” The floral wallpaper seemed to laugh back at him. Sure, this was Changmin, but who was Yunho to Changmin anymore? Maybe nothing.

Unable to stand the unforgiving silence and the weight of his thoughts any longer, Yunho grabbed his hotel room and headed for the lobby. If he could at least keep an eye on Changmin until Kyuhyun arrived, he would feel much better.

He found himself in front of Changmin’s office building 20 minutes later with no plan. Surely, Changmin had just come back to work, right? He didn’t seem sick enough to warrant going home, and Yunho knew that Changmin was no slacker. He took his job very seriously. Yunho mindlessly paced in front of the door until the mildly threatening looking security guard posted outside cleared his throat menacingly.

So Yunho merely crossed the street and set up shop at a bagel shop across the street. He was going to stake out all day until Changmin came out of the building. Then, he’d follow him, maybe figure out where he lived so that he and Kyuhyun could find him again faster. This was productive. These were all steps in the right direction.

But god, this was going to be boring. Yunho settled in for hawkishly watching the revolving door across the street for the majority of the day. _Anything for Changmin_ , thought Yunho sadly.

Finally, after a couple of hours, Yunho saw Changmin emerge, walking at a fast clip towards the nearby coffee shop. Yunho let out a small shriek and nearly overturned his beverage as he ran for the door, causing several customers alarm. As he burst out onto the street, he reminded himself that this was a covert mission. He could absolutely not scare off Changmin prematurely. _Relax_ , he breathed to himself.

As he darted across the street, maneuvering between honking yellow cabs and angry bikers, he made sure he never lost sight of Changmin. From afar, Yunho could tell Changmin looked tired, really tired. Yunho had seen Changmin ridiculously tired before after endless rehearsals and several nights of no sleep, but this kind of tired was different. He looked absolutely defeated, shoulders slouched and hair tousled. Entranced, Yunho slipped into the coffee shop after Changmin before he had time to think.

The place was small. Yunho panicked momentarily and knew he should leave, but he couldn’t. Changmin was feet in front of him again, and though he knew Changmin wouldn’t recognize him, he couldn’t look away. He wanted to reach out and hold him, make him see reason. This was his Changminnie. The same Changmin that had pulled Yunho back from the brink after Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu left them a duo, the same Changmin that had spent countless hours at his side as they navigated their treacherous celebrity lives, the same Changmin that Yunho had at one point considered his other half, his better self. Yunho had been so lost without Changmin for so long, and here he was right in front of him. Yunho felt himself shaking as he stood absolutely frozen in place.

“I’ll have a double macchiato please,” Yunho heard Changmin say to the barista. Funny, that was always Changmin’s beverage of choice when he was nearly too tired to stay on his feet. Same Changmin, same coffee order. But apparently things weren’t the same, were they? As Yunho stood shell-shocked once again, Changmin turned around and made eye contact. All the blood drained from his face.

“No,” whispered Changmin, his eyes saucers. “Mr. Jung, I’m sorry I—I have to go. I’m sorry.” Changmin made for the door.

“Wait!” cried Yunho, “Changmin, please wait.” He was running after Changmin. Again. He couldn’t help it. He felt like he was being compelled.

“I don’t know who you are, and I know you’re a client, but please, you have to leave me alone. I’m not feeling well!” Changmin screeched. He sounded desperate. “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.” Changmin took off in a full blown sprint as Yunho came to his senses.

 _Damn_ , Yunho thought, _I really messed this up. So much for not scaring him._ Yunho slowed to a stop and stared at Changmin’s sprinting form disappearing into the distance. This was not good. Changmin apparently had no interest in talking and was now on high alert to Yunho’s presence. Kyuhyun was going to be royally annoyed when he arrived.

“I could just threaten you, you know,” drawled a voice from behind. Yunho’s head snapped around and found the source of the mysterious voice. What now? A petite girl with long blonde hair and thick black rimmed glasses sat at a table in front of another coffee shop sipping a latte and reading the New York Times. She hadn’t even looked up from her newspaper.

“Wh—What? Are you talking to me?” asked Yunho wildly. The girl sighed and turned a page. Yunho was beginning to doubt he had heard anything at all until she spoke again.

“I could just say, ‘stay away from that boy or I’ll kill you,’ but I don’t think that’s necessary,” she said as she slowly set down her coffee mug and finally made eye contact with Yunho, her piercing blue eyes blazing behind her glasses. She honestly sounded bored. “For others,” she continued, “it might be necessary, but I can tell you’re smart. You just need the truth.”

“What the hell are you—“ Yunho started angrily.

“Shim Changmin, Mr. Jung. Don’t play stupid. Stupidity is so boring,” the girl continued while flipping her hair.

“What are you saying?” asked Yunho slowly. He was quickly becoming seriously unnerved under her relentless gaze.

“He wanted this. That’s the truth. He came to us and begged for a new life. Said he couldn’t take anymore and that he’d rather die than continue living the life he was leading,” she drawled on in her monotone. Yunho just stared at her dumbstruck. “As I’m sure you can tell, I’m not one for unnecessary loss of life. Such potential, that one. So I decided to help him. I let him start over.”

“That’s not possible,” said Yunho, blinking back tears, “Changmin would never—“

“But you fought all the time, right? You knew he hated it. You knew he wanted out, but you wouldn’t let him leave. Probably selfish reasons, right? This is so much better for him. Look at him. He’s happy. He’s thriving. Let him go.”

Yunho was full on crying now.  He’d always secretly been afraid Changmin might feel that way. The girl got up and put a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s hard, but go home, Yunho. Go home and let Changmin live his life. He deserves this. You both do.” Yunho shivered. Her words were like ice and fire at the same time. The girl made to walk away but stopped abruptly after only taking a few steps and turned to face Yunho one last time.

“By the way,” she said matter-of-factly, “if you don’t, I will make you disappear. But that’s so prosaic.”

With that, she was gone, lost to the swell of Manhattan. Yunho stood staring after her as he continued to cry.   


End file.
